I was inspired to read about someone else who is making an effort to study connection and community from where they are standing. This article in the Oregonian caught my eye about Portland artist, Gary Wiseman. Through an interesting tea project has invited people to step out of their regular roles to another space (perhaps an empty lot or the back of a bus) to connect with someone else in a different way. This is the first I’d heard of him, but I like the way the people involved seem to see things anew, like being in a different country. I like the way it doesn’t matter who it is that is brought together, connected, but that it happens.
I asked myself a while ago, “What if the most important thing was to stay connected with those around you? What if it was even more important than other things like money… food… comfort… identity?” I play and practice the idea. I’ve run a few experiments. Slowly I see a light coming on, not because it is dim, but because it is distant.
I realize now, as a parent who aspires to support my children in a school-free childhood full of free learning and joyful living, this is part of what some call my own “deschooling“. It occurred to me as I read an article about one of the most common fears that non-homeschoolers have about homeschooling: socialization. Check the link for a basic overview of common concerns. Perhaps it comes from a mistaken interpretation of the word “homeschool” that somehow children are locked up in a house and not allowed to see other people. School, they recommend, is a better way to “teach people how to get along with each other.” (Schools may indeed have a particular idea about what it means to “get along”– see Justice H. Walter Croskey’s comment regarding the recent CA case, pardon the sensationalist article)
Why, then, is it so hard for someone like me who has been through twenty years of school to connect with those around me? I find myself cutting people off, having agendas and expectations for others, only having certain “types” of friends. My conversations are mostly goal oriented trying to agree upon, fix, analyze or cover up a problem. There is much resistance connect with others outside of a “sanctioned gathering” such as an office party, an event where they charge admission, gatherings such as college classes, church services, library storytimes with an understood code of behavior. I am uncomfortable just hanging around with adults in silence, or making up games with kids. In a nutshell, my skills are really lacking when it comes to making friends. Schools have taught me (very well) a way to behave around others, but it does not facilitate connection.
My daughter who is two (and who has had no special classes in socialization) is a true masters of social skills, constantly in tune with her own needs, willing to play with anyone, eager to follow through, but willing to forgive and forget so she can stay connected.
To those who ask if I am concerned about socialization for my children, my answer today is yes, because I have quite a bit of work to do myself. From the voice of experience, I don’t see my children learning social skills from a school, but from a family and community of people who can model unconditional, creative and independent skills in problem solving and maintaining friendships.
